


okay not to be okay

by vipertooths



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming of Age, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Good Sibling Nancy Wheeler, Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Angst, Minor Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, N Things, POV Mike Wheeler, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vipertooths/pseuds/vipertooths
Summary: He rests his forehead against the window and watches his breath fog up the glass. Somewhere deep down, he knew the answers to his questions—he just didn't want to hear them."You gonna be all right?"He makes a vague noise of assent.(11 times Mike wasn't really okay & 1 time he really was.)





	okay not to be okay

**Author's Note:**

> my phone is dying, my eyes are hurting, and i am tired as fuck, but i did it! and i hope you enjoy it!! 
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://vipertooth.tumblr.com) & [here](http://vipertooths.tumblr.com), i take requests and i love making new friends if you want to chat.

**i.**

"Hey."

"Hey," Mike answers, not looking up from the binder of Will's drawings in his lap. He hadn't even thought of it since they got Will back from the Upside Down, but he'd found it in his room while looking under his bed. He doesn't remember what he was looking for now. All of his thoughts came to a standstill ten minutes ago.

Nancy sits on the edge of his bed, keeping her hands carefully in her lap. "You okay?"

He hasn't opened the binder yet. He's just staring at the cover. If he opens it, he might cry, and he really doesn't want to cry. It's stupid anyway. It's not like Will's missing. He's sitting somewhere, probably having a good time, with Mrs. Byers and Jonathan and El.

El. They talk on the phone almost every day, but he's still not sure if they're dating. He hasn't gotten himself to ask yet and he doesn't even know why. 

"Mike?"

He glances over at Nancy, who looks sad and worried and somehow so much older than him. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" she repeats, and he realizes he hadn't answered her before. 

He nods. "Yeah."

"It's okay not to be okay, you know. Your girlfriend and best friend both moved away."

"Thanks for the observation, Nancy Drew," Mike says, maybe a little harshly, gripping the binder until he can feel the edge pressing sharply into his palm. He's mad, suddenly, and he doesn't understand why. He doesn't understand anything anymore. "Did you need something?"

She sighs, but doesn't get up, doesn't move at all, just sits on his bed in silence and waits him out. He tries to ignore her, loosens and tightens his grip on the binder again and again.

It shouldn't feel this horrible. They're _alive_. He can still talk to them, still see them sometimes. His eyes threaten tears so he shuts them tight, a frustrated noise making its way up his throat. 

"What if they—" he starts, then stops. It's a stupid question.

"If they what?" Nancy asks, her tone more gentle than he remembers it being in a long time.

He thinks about Will putting the D&D book in the donation box. _Not possible_ , he thinks, reassures himself. It barely helps. He opens his eyes again, refusing to cry. "What if they make new friends there?"

"You don't want them to have friends?"

It's selfish. He's so selfish. He thought he learned his lesson with El. He _does_ want them to have friends. He wants them to be happy. But he wants them to be happy _here_. Home. 

"They're not going to stop loving you, Mike."

"What if they find someone there they like more?"

"If you moved away, do you think anyone could replace them for you?"

He looks up with a frown. "Never."

"There's your answer then," she says, lifting a hand and ruffling his hair. He ducks and bats her away, which just makes her laugh. 

When she leaves, he feels suddenly exhausted, like he hasn't slept in days. He curls up on the bed with the binder next to him and is out within a minute.

**ii.**

Mike is at the movie theater. He hadn't thought much about it when he said yes to coming. It's the weekend. He was bored. Why wouldn't he? He even got there in time to watch the trailers, which Lucas is immensely grateful for. 

It isn't until he turns to say something to Will that it strikes him.

Will isn't there.

A lump forms in his throat as he forces himself to face the screen again. There's a trailer for the second Nightmare on Elm Street movie playing and he should be excited about it, but he's not. Watching horrors wouldn't be the same without Will. Watching anything isn't the same without Will.

He gets the nearly overwhelming urge to call the Byers' house, but he tucks it away for later and tries to focus now that the movie's starting. It's hard though, and he can feel the plot slipping through his fingers the longer it goes on.

By the end, he's not really sure what happened for half of it, so he just nods along with whatever Lucas and Max have to say.

"Those aliens really threw me for a loop," Max says, and Mike hums, wondering if it's rude to call someone's house so late at night. He definitely isn't about to hike out to Cerebro right now. 

It takes him a few seconds to realize Max and Lucas stopped walking. He turns around to see them staring at him, eyebrows furrowed. 

"Are you okay, man?" Lucas asks.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"There were no aliens in that movie," Max says, like it should have been obvious. Mike supposes it _would_ have been, if he'd actually paid attention.

"I'm fine," he answers. "I was just distracted."

"With what?"

For some reason, he pulls out a random problem instead of being honest. "I think I'm going to fail Algebra."

There's a noticeable pause before Lucas replies, and Mike gets the impression he isn't buying the excuse. "It's only been a few weeks. Give it some time."

He nods and turns around, letting them trail behind him.

"I told you this was a bad idea," Max whispers, not very softly. He walks ahead until he can't hear them anymore.

**iii.**

It shouldn't be a surprise when someone moves into Will's old house. The only thing that kept it vacant for this long was the bad rap Hawkins had gotten since all the business with the Upside Down started. It couldn't stay empty forever, he knows that, but seeing someone else living there…

It feels like a punch to the gut, like the final nail in the coffin. The Byers are gone and they're not going to suddenly show up one day and move back into their old place. He knew that. He knew that, so why does it still hurt this much? 

"Are you all right, son?"

Mike swallows and refocuses on the man standing in front of him. The man whose property he is on now. The man whose house he has been staring at blankly for five minutes.

"Sorry. Yeah. I just— My friend used to live here. Sorry."

The man gives him a sympathetic look as he turns and bikes away. He goes straight home and finds his mom setting the table and he doesn't hug her, doesn't make a big deal of it at all, but she seems to know anyway. She puts a hand on his cheek and smiles at him, asks if he wants to help her bake cookies after dinner. He never bakes, but he agrees anyway. Somehow, the fresh chocolate chip cookies make him feel better.

**iv.**

"It kind of sucks without you guys here," Mike says into the phone, playing mindlessly with the cord. 

"Here too," El says quietly. "It's…hard sometimes."

"Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm being selfish again. I still have Lucas and Dustin and Max." _I still have my parents_ , he adds to himself.

"I have Will," El replies, like it's some sort of equal trade off. They aren't close though, so it's really not. Or they weren't close. They could be now. After he had time to think about it, he found it strange that they hadn't become friends immediately. They're two of the best people he knows. 

He untangles his hand from the telephone cord and stuffs it under his other arm, starting to lose the happy feeling he'd gotten from calling El. He's trying not to be angry at Mrs. Byers. He knows why she left, understands it even, but she still took them away from him. She took them away from everyone. Does she even care? She could have at least found a closer place to move, right?

"Mike? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I have to go now. Tell Will I said hi, okay?"

"Okay. Goodnight, Mike."

"Night, El."

**v.**

Mike looks up from his Rubik's cube at the knock on his bedroom door. "Yeah?"

"Michael, sweetie, can I come in?" It's his mom, and she's using her _gentle_ voice. The voice that's always followed by something bad.

"Yeah."

She cracks open the door and barely comes in two steps. Something bad is definitely coming, but he comforts himself with the fact that it probably can't be worse than anything he's already gone through.

"What is it?"

"Well, the plan for Thanksgiving was for Nancy to drive you to the Byers."

Mike's stomach drops. She can't be going where he thinks she's going. Thanksgiving is _two days away_.

"Her car just broke down in town. The shop is backed up with customers. They won't be able to fix it in time."

He racks his brain for a fix. "What about dad's car?"

She shakes her head sadly. "He needs it for work."

"Since when does he work on holidays?!"

"Since he thought you and Nance wouldn't be here. Holidays pay overtime."

He pulls his legs up to his chest and crosses his arms over his knees, Rubik's cube abandoned to his side. "I haven't seen them since the beginning of October."

"I know. I'm sorry. Will you be okay?"

He nods, but she still crosses the room and places a kiss to the top of his head. 

**vi.**

They show up to Family Video an hour before Steve gets off because they all know it'll take at _least_ that much time to decide on the two movies they want to double feature. It's kind of weird to be hanging out with his sister's ex-boyfriend, but that's just how life is, he guesses. It's weird like that.

Dustin and Lucas are already arguing over the merits of watching a single Star Wars movie and Max is asserting that Star Wars isn't even that good anyway. 

Dustin gives Lucas a _look_. "Dude, how does your girlfriend not like Star Wars?"

"Contrary to what you think, I _am_ more than his girlfriend. I'm an actual human person with my own interests."

"You're not a human person. You're an alien. Human persons like Star Wars."

Steve grabs The Last Jedi from Dustin's hands and flips it over. "What's it about anyway?"

"You've _never seen Star Wars_!? We _have_ to rent it then."

"We can't rent episode six if he hasn't seen the others," Lucas says. "We can just marathon them next weekend or something."

"There's six Star Wars movies?"

"Three," Dustin and Lucas say in unison.

"I'm so confused."

Mike wanders away from them, not very invested in the conversation. He's too busy thinking about what he and Nancy accomplished earlier: a whole week planned for the Byers' during his winter break from school. 

It had taken a lot of puppy eyes and guilt tripping over Thanksgiving to get their mom to agree, but they managed it on the agreement that they come back on Christmas day. And even though the trip is still weeks away, his skin is buzzing already. It's mostly a good feeling, but there's something else there too. Something he can't—or maybe doesn't want to—name.

"You good, kid?"

He looks over to Robin. Her elbows are propped on the counter and she's staring at him expectantly. He nods, expecting that to be the end of it, but she just raises her eyebrows and keeps staring.

"What?"

"You look like you're about to throw up. I am _not_ cleaning your vomit off the floor."

"I'm not going to throw up," he assures her, even though his stomach _is_ feeling a little flip-floppy. "I'm just excited. I'm visiting El and Will next month."

"That's nice," she says slowly. "You sure excited is the word for it?"

"Positive."

She eyes him skeptically for a few more seconds, but thankfully drops it.

**vii.**

"You're gonna be here in _four days,_ " Will says reverently. 

"I know. I feel like the last month has been a blur. I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast today."

Will laughs and Mike can't wipe the grin off his face. 

"Do you have your Christmas tree set up?"

"Yeah, my mom's kind of gone crazy with the decorations. I think she's really trying to sell Christmas in the new house, you know? There's even fake snowflakes hanging from the ceiling. And a fake pickle for the tree."

Mike frowns, wondering if he misheard. "A fake…pickle?"

"I guess she's gonna hide it on the tree on Christmas Eve and whoever finds it first gets a special prize."

 _'Is that Mike?'_ Mrs. Byers asks in the background. _'Are you telling him about my Christmas pickle?'_

Mike bursts into laughter. "Does she know how that sounds?"

"No," Will grumbles into the phone and it's easy to imagine his red cheeks.

 _'Tell him I'm excited to see him,'_ she says and Mike snickers.

"Excited to see me or the pickle?"

Will groans. "I'm going to hang up on you."

"I'll give your Christmas present to someone else," he threatens. It's a lie and they both know it. Plus, the gift was specifically made _for_ Will, so he couldn't give it to someone else even if he wanted to.

"It probably wasn't any good anyway," Will teases. "Oh, El's still up. Did you wanna talk to her?"

Mike would be a bad boyfriend if he said no, right? But he already talks to her more than he talks to Will and he really doesn't want to be the kind of friend he was before. He wishes there was a guidebook he could read for these things.

"Mike? You there?"

"I'm here."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no, everything's fine. Uh, I'll just call her tomorrow. Unless…you were getting tired of talking to me?"

Will snorts. "Not possible."

**viii.**

He's a jittery mess. The buzzing is back, moving along his skin and making him stir crazy. He feels kind of sick from it.

"We'll be there in half an hour," Nancy says, and he nods mutely.

He is very aware of how close they are. It's like he can _feel_ it. The closer they come, the stronger the buzzing, the more sick he gets. 

"How're you feeling?"

"Fine. Great. Amazing." He clicks his fingernails against the passenger side window as the world blurs by.

"What's wrong? You've been like this since you woke up this morning. Are you worried?"

He glances at her, but her eyes are firmly on the road. "What would I be worried about?"

"You tell me."

Mike keeps tapping the window, deliberating. "I don't even know if me and El are dating," he says after a long silence.

This time, Nancy does look at him, only for a second, but it's clear she's surprised. 

"I was going to ask," he explains, because it feels like he needs to. "It's just, I never found the right time. And it's dumb. She said she loves me and she kissed me, so that means we aren't broken up anymore, right?"

"Well, that's not always how things work," Nancy says gently.

Mike sinks down into his seat, part of him wishing he hadn't said anything and the other part intensely relieved that he can get some advice from someone with more experience in these things.

"Do you _want_ to be dating?"

"Of course," he answers immediately. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know, Mike. People don't always want the same thing they used to. It's okay to change."

In his experience, changes are almost never anything good. "What if I don't want to change?"

"We can't help if we change or not. We can't force ourselves and our feelings to be the same. Just, I know what it's like to stay in a relationship I didn't really want to be in. It wasn't fair to me and it definitely wasn't fair to Steve. If you want to be with El, then that's okay. But if you don't, that's okay too."

He rests his forehead against the window and watches his breath fog up the glass. Somewhere deep down, he knew the answers to his questions—he just didn't want to hear them.

"You gonna be all right?"

He makes a vague noise of assent.

**ix.**

"Mike!"

He's barely out of the car door before El is throwing herself at him, and he catches her with a laugh, hugging her tightly. He looks over her shoulder to see Will on the front porch, waving almost frantically.

El pulls back and smiles, cheeks and nose red from waiting outside in the cold. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Her grin widens and she detaches herself from him and he can't help but wonder if it means anything that she didn't kiss him and how does he feel about that anyway?

Will comes down the stairs and hugs him next and he thinks the only thing that could make this moment better is if Dustin and Lucas were here too. ( _And Max_ , he thinks afterward, feeling a little guilty.)

He and Nancy grab their bags and Jonathan brings in their presents—one for each person in the Byers household. Mike is immediately assaulted with Christmas lights and decorations when he walks inside and some of the snowflakes hang so low he has to dodge them.

"You weren't kidding about your mom going crazy," he says under his breath, and Will smiles and shakes his head.

Mrs. Byers rounds the corner and pulls him into a quick but tight hug and then does the same to Nancy. "I missed you two so much."

"Come on," Will says, tugging on his jacket sleeve, "our rooms are up here."

He follows Will up the stairs with El right behind him and lets them give him a mini-tour of their new rooms. They're not so different from their old ones, still very much them, and he gets some small comfort in the familiarity of it all.

"Dinner's ready," Jonathan says from the hallway a few minutes later, smiling softly at the three of them.

"I'll be down in a minute," Mike says, needing to use the bathroom after downing three bottles of Coke during the car ride. He sets his bag down on the floor as Will and El make their way out and spots a photo on the wall, barely sticking out from behind the door. It's the party in their Ghostbusters costumes, he realizes, and pulls the door back to see it properly.

As the door swings out of the way, he sees the way it's been torn down the middle, right between him and Will, and then taped back together. There's another ripped and taped photo next to it, along with a few that are still in good quality and two he's never seen before, ones taken after the move.

He puts his fingers on the Ghostbusters photo, running them along the rip. This photo had been in Castle Byers. It doesn't take much to put two and two together to figure out when it'd been ripped. He backs away from it, feeling like a shitty friend all over again.

"Everything all right?"

Mike jumps at the voice. He'd thought Jonathan had gone downstairs, but he must have just went into his room.

"Uh huh," Mike answers, sliding past him and quickly shutting himself into the bathroom.

**x.**

It's better to pull the bandaid off quick, he rationalizes as he sneaks into El's room after lights out that night. He trips over something on the floor and almost goes sprawling, but catches himself on the end of the bed. El sits up, face scrunched in confusion and half lit from her night light.

"Mike?"

"Yeah, sorry, um." He rights himself and crawls onto her bed, kneeling at the foot of it. "I just wanted to talk."

"Okay," she says quietly, hugging her blanket closer to her chest. 

"Um, it's just, I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Are we…together? Like, boyfriend and girlfriend?"

She stares at him for a long time and he hopes she can't see how red his face is in this light. 

"I don't know," she whispers. "Are we?"

She's looking at him like he has all the answers and he feels the too familiar pressure settling on his shoulders. "I think if we both didn't know, then we never really got back together."

"Okay," she answers, like it's that simple. She reaches across the bed for his hand and holds it. "I still love you."

"Yeah, I— Me too, El. But like…in a different way, I think, from before. Do you understand?"

She nods and squeezes his hand, so he squeezes back. "I get it now, how many different kinds of love there is."

They sit there for a long time, silent, holding hands.

"You're okay, right?" he asks.

She nods. "Are you?" 

He's relieved, he thinks, but mostly he's just sad. It's like another part of his life has come to a close, another chapter ended. It hurts, and he wonders if growing up ever _stops_ hurting. "I'm okay," he says. Or he will be, at least.

**xi.**

Christmas Eve comes too soon, marking their last day at the Byers house. Will ends up being the one to find the pickle, which earns him a prize of seven dollars. Mike almost dies from laughter when Mrs. Byers forces him to take a picture with the thing. 

They open up their gifts in turns, so everyone can appreciate each one, and Mrs. Byers cries when Jonathan pulls out the surprise gift he and Will had gotten for her. She's not the only one to cry, either. He thinks everyone in the room tears up at least once. Happy tears, though.

They play board games and decorate cookies and drink too much hot chocolate with too much whipped cream on top and before Mike even realizes it, he's yawning into his cup and El is already asleep on the couch.

"I think it's time you boys went to bed," Mrs. Byers says softly. "Jonathan, could you?"

Jonathan scoops El up into his arms and carries her up the stairs, everyone else following like a train of ducklings.

Mike beelines for Will's room and buries himself in the pile of blankets on the floor that has been his sleeping place for the past week. Will turns off the light, shuts the door, and climbs over him into bed. He has a night light too, which he locates from touch memory in the dark and turns it on, casting a fake night sky across the ceiling. 

It hits Mike at full force as he stares up at those stars that he's really leaving tomorrow. He doesn't even know when he'll see Will and El next. As much as he loves his other friends, it just feels _wrong_ without them there, incomplete.

"I'm really glad you came," Will says.

When he looks over, Will is on his side at the edge of the bed, staring down at him. "Me too. I wish you didn't live so far away."

"Me too."

They watch each other for a while, not wanting to go to sleep because the next time they wake up, Mike will be leaving for Hawkins. He can feel his eyelids getting heavy though.

"Are you happy here?" he asks.

"Not sure. Pros and cons." 

"You have to come to Hawkins soon, okay?"

Will smiles. "Miss me already?"

"All the time, man. I can't even _look_ at my D&D book without crying."

"Liar." Will flings a pillow at him and he stuffs it under his head with thanks.

"Really though, I _do_ miss you. Everyone does. I'm sorry for being a bad friend before."

Will reaches down and blindly seeks out his arm. "I forgave you already."

"I know, I just— I wish I could go back." He would be better the second time around. Maybe he could save Hopper too. Maybe he could stop them from moving away.

"Hey, you all right down there?"

He places a hand over Will's and shuts his eyes. "Sure. I'm all right."

**\+ i.**

"Is the blindfold really necessary?" Will asks for the second time, grasping Mike's hand like a lifeline.

"Yes," Mike answers, staying close as he guides his friend around roots and logs. He'd blindfolded Will before bringing him into the woods and it's taking them three times as long to get to their destination, but he wants to make sure the reveal is a surprise.

He'd been working on it almost every day after school for Will's birthday, which was just a week ago. He'd gotten some help with the interior decorating from Lucas, but it's mostly been his own passion project. He'd felt awful most of the time he'd been doing it too. It had been his fault that it was destroyed in the first place.

"Okay." He lets go of Will's hand and tries to calm his nerves. "You can take it off now."

Will pulls the blindfold down and freezes and Mike's breath freezes in his throat too. It must only be a few seconds, but it feels like forever before Will says anything.

"You fixed it." Will's voice is barely above a whisper. "You fixed Castle Byers."

"Yeah and I, I got a tarp? Y'know, to cover it so the rain doesn't get in. Um, I know you won't get to come here much, but I thought you might like having it when you do? I know it was important to you before and it was kind of important to me too?" He knows he probably sounds stupid, but he can't seem to make his words come out any smarter. "Like, it was important for you, so that makes it important to me. And it's basically my fault it was ruined too. I'm sorry, again."

Will walks to the entrance and runs a hand along the sign. "You can stop apologizing already. You were right anyway." He pushes the blanket curtain out of his way and ducks inside.

Mike stares, stunned, at the front of Castle Byers. It takes him a whole minute before he can speak. "I was?" 

He gets no answer. Maybe because the question came out more like an incoherent squeak. He clears his throat and follows Will in. 

"I was?" he tries again.

Will is sitting with his knees drawn up, playing with the frayed thread on one of the thrift store pillows Mike had put inside. "It's not your fault I don't like girls."

"You mean…" Mike's heart is beating overtime and he can barely get the words out. "You like…boys?"

Will nods, looking miserable. "We can still be friends, right?"

He shakes his head, baffled that Will would even ask that. "I said asking you to be my friend was the best thing I've ever done. It's still the best thing. That's not gonna change." 

"The best thing I've ever done is say yes," Will says softly, finally meeting his gaze. His eyes are shining. "Thank you for this."

He's not sure if he's being thanked for Castle Byers or something else, but it hardly matters. "No problem."

They're still watching each other, and his heart is still beating fast, and his palms are starting to sweat where they're pressed against his thighs. He thinks he can hear his own breath coming now, or maybe Will's, but definitely someone's and they _still_ haven't looked away. There's a feeling fluttering around in his stomach that's familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, something that's as old as it is new.

He moves forward, just barely, but it's just enough to understand. Will braces a hand on the floor between them and leans in the rest of the way, kissing him so quick that he doesn't even have time to react. They stare at each other with wide eyes and he can see his own surprise mirrored back at him.

He kissed a boy. He kissed _Will_. Or Will kissed him, but it's the same thing, really. He and Will kissed. For like a nanosecond. He really wishes it had been longer than a nanosecond.

It takes him a moment to realize that there's nothing stopping them from doing it again.

This time, he leans all the way in, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to Will's. It's still chaste, because he doesn't think Will's ever actually kissed someone before, and he doesn't want to move too fast. But when he pulls away, Will is following him, repositioning so they're both kneeling now and he can put his hands on Mike's face.

Mike's lips and tongue are tingling and his neck feels hot and he can't get over the fact that this is _Will_. It shouldn't make any sense. It should be weird. But it's kind of perfect.

He opens his eyes slowly as they break apart again, breathing heavy. He wonders if he should say something. What do you even say after you make out with your best friend? 

"That was…" Will says and trails off, apparently just as at a loss for words. 

"Yeah."

As if by some divine interference, the walkie talkie in the corner comes to life in a burst of static and they both jump. He smacks his head on the hard wood ceiling and groans as Lucas asks about what snacks they still have left.

He crawls over and grabs the walkie with perhaps more aggression than needed. "Popcorn, Cow Tales, and a half a bag of M&Ms. Over and _out_." He turns the transceiver off and sighs. 

"You hit your head pretty hard. Are you okay?"

He turns and gives Will a lopsided smile. "I'm okay," he says. "Better than okay."

This time, _he means it_.


End file.
